[Joel and the 'bots enter the theater.] TOM: [to Crow] So..... Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's FATHER? CROW: Yep. [chuckling] TOM: I hate you.    >The RR-Files, part three. JOEL: ....This time with a VENGEANCE! >By Chris Silva, John >Pesterfield, Robert Knaus >and Karl Schenk. CROW: No need to call undue attention to yourselves, fellas. >Final proofreading and >editing by Robert Knaus. TOM: [Chris Silva] It's all Knaus' fault! CROW: [Karl Schenk] Yeah! JOEL: [John Pesterfield] Let's hang him by his pinkies! >"Apology is Policy." CROW: You OWE us an apology, you hacks! >-Chris Carter. ************* >"You cheated!" > >Dale threw JOEL: Up. TOM: [heaving sounds] >his cards down in >disgust as Zipper BOTS: Who? JOEL: [angrily] The fly! THE FLY! TOM: Oh yeah, now that you mention it.... >buzzed happily. The other >Rangers had accompanied >agents Mulder and Scully CROW: To the midnight showing of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." ALL: [singing] Let's do the time warp agaiiiiiin...... >in their rescue mission >several hours earlier, >leaving the two of them behind to JOEL: Act as decoys for the wolves. >keep Tammy's mother >company. She sat across >from the both of them, holding TOM: [dramatically] The fate of the WORLD in her hands! >her own cards. As Zipper >flew over to the pile of CROW: Manure. >peanuts they were using >as poker chips, she held up JOEL: The table with only one hand. BOTS: Ooooohhhh...... >her hand. > >"Hold on a minute.", she said. > >Zipper paused TOM: His game of "Super Mario Bros." >and looked at her. She then laid CROW: Down and died. >her cards on the table for >the two of them to see. > >"Gin.", she stated, with >a thin smile. > >Zipper stared at her cards >for a second, then blanched.    ALL: STELLLLLAAAAAAA!!!!!! >"Looks like we both lose, >buddy.", Dale said with a >grin as Tammy's mom >reached over and took TOM: Zipper and began to pull his wings off. >a peanut. She took a bite >and smiled at them both. JOEL: [Nelson Muntz] Ha-ha! >Zipper took off and headed for >the kitchen, letting out a series of CROW: Vile curses. TOM: [Zipper] [GITNOGT], [CITNOGT], [CITNOGT]..... >disgruntled sounding >squeaks and buzzes. > >Tammy's mom swallowed her JOEL: Pride by appearing in this putrid piece of fanfiction. >bite of peanut and asked Dale >what Zipper had said. TOM: [Dale] Damned if I know. >"You don't wanna know.", >he replied, still amused by >Zipper's reaction. CROW: Dale gets off on vicious profanity. JOEL: [Dale] That's [CITNOGT] hilarious! >He reached over to the >cards and began to TOM: Assemble a card house. >clumsily shuffle them again. >"What now?", Dale asked. >"Old Maid? Rummy?" CROW: [Dale] Russian Roulette? >He arched his eyebrow in a >hammy manner. "Strip Poker?" ALL: [groaning] JOEL: Please, God, please.... >Tammy's mom blushed and gently TOM: Bashed Dale's face in with an ashtray. [At the mention of the word "ashtray", Joel begins to salivate helplessly.] CROW: Oh, yuck! [Joel takes out a handkerchief and wipes his mouth.] JOEL: Sorry. >slapped Dale's arm. "Mind >your manners, young man!", >she proclaimed with >mock severity. > >Dale grinned again, TOM: Dale likes it rough. JOEL: Do I have to keep an eye on you too, Tom? >and was going to make >another risque statement >when the familiar sound >of the Ranger Plane's CROW: Explosive crash on the runway. >mechanical wings flapping >came to his ears. Tammy's >mother's gaze was immediately >rivited to the front door JOEL: [makes riveting sounds] TOM: [Tammy's mom] OW! >as the Plane came to a halt >on the runway outside. Dale >reached over and gave her >hand a squeeze as Zipper >flew in from the kitchen. CROW: And boy, were his arms tired! JOEL: [rimshot] CROW: Thank you, you're a great crowd! >She gave him a nervous smile, >then returned her penatrating >gaze to the door. JOEL: [makes a drilling sound] TOM: Is Tammy's mom Bob Villa all of a sudden? CROW: Tim Allen is more like it. ALL: [make grunting noises] >There was the sound of >running footsteps outside, >then the door burst open. >Tammy rushed in and CROW: Eyed her mother's gaze riveted to the door with an expression of horror. >came to a momentary halt >as she locked eyes with her >mother. TOM: [makes a cell door slamming sound] >There was a few seconds of >silence, then Tammy's mom leaped >up from her chair and ran CROW: From the room screaming. JOEL: You're beginning to repeat yourself there, buddy. >to her daughter, crushing >her to her chest. TOM: [crunching noises] >"My baby, oh my precious baby....", >she whispered, tears of JOEL: Laughter. >joy oozing out from behind >her tightly shut eyelids. >Tammy was also crying, JOEL: From hysterical laughter. >so overcome with emotion that >she could muster no words at all. >Dale and Zipper watched their >reunion with identical smiles CROW: Boy, this reunion scene is a laugh riot, huh? TOM: Tee-hee. >of relief on their faces, then >turned their attention to the >door as the other Rangers >entered, followed by- JOEL: Mrs. Brisby from "The Secret of NIMH". TOM: So, this is an "Out of Range" crossover? CROW: Good. That means everyone will die soon. >Dale sucked in his breath. >stunned by JOEL: Gadget's beauty. >who had followed the others >into the tree. It was FBI agents >Mulder and Scully, TOM: FBI. CROW: [Scully] We're FBI agents, you know. Wanna see our badges? JOEL: [Dale] Badges? I doan need to see no STEEENKIN' badges! >who had both been reduced to JOEL: Starring in lousy movies like "Playing God" and "The Mighty". >the Ranger's size. Mulder saw >Dale's jaw hanging down around >his chest and gave him TOM: A breath mint. >a tentative wave. Dale shut >his mouth with an effort and >stood up, looking to CROW: The future. >Chip for an explanation. > >"Dale, Zipper,", Chip began, >"I'd like you to keep an open >mind about this situation." JOEL: [Zipper] Well they're not getting MY room! >Tammy's mother had opened >her eyes as Chip began to >speak, and her joyful expression >turned to one of horror. TOM: She must have just realized that she forgot all about Bink. CROW: Who? TOM: [sighing] Never mind. >"HUMANS!", she shrieked, >causing Tammy to jump. JOEL: [singing] JUMP! For your love! >She grabbed Tammy and >sheilded her with her body, >backing away from the two >surprised agents. JOEL: [Mulder] Oh my! Don't tell me I offend! >Scully stepped forward, >holding her hands up in a >non-threatening manner. TOM: [Scully] Gimmie some skin! Or....fur....I guess..... >"Please, Mrs. Squirrel, we >mean you and your daughter >no harm!", she pleaded. >Chip stepped forward and >paced his hand on Scully's [Joel gives Crow a look.] >shoulder. JOEL: [to Crow] Good boy! [he tosses him a ram chip] TOM: [to Crow] Suck-up. >"Agent Scully is right!", he >proclaimed to the terrified >mother squirrel. TOM: [Chip] Diet Dr. Pepper *does* taste more like regular Dr. Pepper! >"These two helped us rescue >your daughter." > >Tammy stepped from behind >her mother and spoke up. CROW: Then she spoke down. >"It's true, mom. If it weren't >for Fox and Dana, The Rangers >would have never found me." TOM: How did she know their first names? JOEL: It's the "X-Files", remember? CROW: [whistles the "X-Files" theme] >Tammy's mom glanced at >her daughter, then JOEL: Viciously backhanded her. >back at the two miniaturized >FBI agents. She slowly brought >her fists down. CROW: Did she have them up in the first place? >"I-I dont know what to say.", >she said confusedly. TOM: Say Anything. JOEL & CROW: [start singing Phil Collins' "In Your Eyes"] >"How about THANKS, mom?", >Tammy prodded. CROW: [makes an electric sizzling noise] JOEL: [Tammy's mom] [screaming] >Everyone in the room goggled >at the young squirrel's words, >then exploded ALL: EEEWWWWW!!! TOM: [disgusted] Is this "Monty Python"? >with laughter. As the laughter >began to taper off, Tammy's >mother went over to JOEL: The Dark Side of the Force! BOTS: [make mechanical breathing sounds] >Mulder and tenatively >took his hand. TOM: And gently flipped him over her shoulder. >"Thank you.", >she whispered softly. CROW: Is it possible to whisper loudly? >Mulder smiled and patted >her on the shoulder. > >"All in a day's work.", he >deadpanned, causing >a fresh eruption of JOEL: Lava. >laughter from everyone. -------

>"So.....what now?", >Scully asked. TOM: [Scully] What do you want to do? CROW: [Mulder] I don't know. What do *you* want to do? TOM: [Scully] I dunno. What do YOU want to do? JOEL: [Chip] Just PICK already! Jeez! >Mulder and Scully were >sitting on the Ranger's TOM: That must be really uncomfortable. >couch. Tammy and her >mother had left a few CROW: Bucks for the waiter under their plates. >minutes earlier, but not >before Tammy had given >Mulder a peck on the cheek, JOEL: Better be the cheek I'm thinking of.... TOM: Ugh..... >drawing another amused >smile from Chip. CROW: Like water from a deep well. >Now the two agents sat >staring vacantly into space, TOM: Mulder gave Scully a hit of his joint. >the hopelessness of their >situation sinking in. > >"Er, buck up mates!", Monterey >Jack ventured. JOEL: Nothing ventured, nothing gained. >"We'll find some way of puttin' >you back th' way you were!" > >"We will?", Dale uttered, earning TOM: A gold star and a smiley-face sticker. >a bonk on the head by Chip.    > >Gadget frowned at the two >chipmunks, then began to CROW: Strip. >pace. > >"I could attempt to re-create >the Gigantico gun.....", she >began, thinking JOEL: About better fanfics she'd rather be starring in. >out loud. > >Mulder and Scully visibly >brightened at her words. TOM: For that "like new" shine, use new improved Rangerwax(tm)! >"You could do that?", >Scully asked. JOEL: [Gadget] Hmidunno..... >Gadget stopped pacing >and faced the CROW: Music. >agents. > >"I think so. If I had the correct >materials, it SHOULD work!" > >Monty had JOEL: Enough, and headed for the door. TOM: [Monty] I'm outta here, buckos! CROW: [Chip] Don't let the door hit you on the way out! >a loud coughing fit. Chip >placed his hand on Gadget's >arm and gave CROW: Her a vicious Indian burn. TOM: Actually, the correct terminology these days is "Native American" burn. >what he hoped was a >convincing smile. > >"Er, maybe we should >wait on that a bit, Gadget. >Mulder and Scully have >had a rough day." > >Gadget looked into >Chip's eyes, and JOEL: Threw herself into his arms, weeping uncontrollably. >shrugged. "That's okay, Chip. >I need to get some raw materials >from the dump anyway. Let's see, >I'll need a calculator, some toaster parts......" TOM: [Gadget] .....Gum, spit, bailing wire.... CROW: That's so close to what she'd actually say it's hardly satire. JOEL: I have to agree with Crow. >Continuing to rattle off her >mental checklist, she headed >for her workshop to work up CROW: A sweat that would cause her jumpsuit to cling to her lithe body...... >some blueprints. Scully looked >at Monty with TOM: Irritation. JOEL: [Scully] Are you still here? Get out! >concern > >"Are you alright, Mr. Jack?" > >Monty's spasm of coughing >had tapered off, and he gave >Scully a strained smile. TOM: [Monty] Yeah. I just had this sudden mental image of Fat Cat in a thong bikini. JOEL: [shuddering] Oh man, that's vile! >"Right as rain, lass.", he said. >"It's just that when young >Gadget says something >SHOULD work...." > >".....It's time to duck and cover.", ALL: [singing] Time to duck and cover, the bombs are coming down. A radiation shower will pour throughout your town.... >Chip finished.    > >Scully looked from Monty >to Chip with puzzlement, TOM: [Scully] Which one of you is which again? >then shrugged. CROW: Lot of shrugging in this section. >Mulder was about to ask about >their sleeping arrangements, CROW: [Mulder] the couch is a foldout, right? >when the quiet of the >living room was shattered >by the familiar burr of JOEL: Sean Connery. TOM: [Sean Connery] He pulls a knife, you pull a gun. He puts one of your Rangers in the hospital, you put one of his henchmen in the *morgue*. That's the CHICAGO way! >Mulder's cell-phone. >Mulder stared at his pocket, >having forgotten CROW: How the durn thing worked. >all about it. The Rangers stepped >closer, their curiosity aroused. TOM: Hope that's ALL that's been aroused. >"If we left your phone at the >lab....", he said to Scully as >he brought the phone from >his coat pocket, >"then who is this?" > >Scully only shrugged CROW: Of course. >and replied "Only one >way to find out." > >He pressed the recieve key, JOEL: *Who* did? CROW: Thank you, Thing. >held the phone to his >ear, and said, TOM: [Mulder] Hello, Mr. phone..... person? H-hello? >"Mulder." > >"Ah, agent Mulder. I was >afraid that I wouldn't be able to CROW: [phone voice] Get the same low rate every day. >reach you.", a familar, >smoke-roughened voice >issued from the earpiece.     TOM: Hey, Joel's in this fanfic! CROW: [sniggers rudely] JOEL: Ha-ha, you guys. >"You.", Mulder hissed. CROW: Whoa, time to take Mulder off the stove! >"I suggest you keep a civil >tone, agent....at least if you >don't want to spend >the rest of your life TOM: [CSM] Appearing at "X-Files" conventions. >foraging for nuts with your >little woodland friends." > >Mulder grimaced. JOEL: [Mulder] I HATE nuts! >"What do you mean?" > >The voice at the other >end of the line paused. >The Rangers crowded JOEL: The plate. >around the couch, listening >to Mulder's conversation. TOM: [Mulder] Do you mind? >"I am in possession of the >shrinking ray technology.", >the Smoking man stated. "The >only one in possession of it since >the unpleasantness at the lab. CROW: [Mulder] You mean the fire? JOEL: [CSM] [pause] Well....yes. >That's where I found your >car. A quick search of the >vehicle turned up CROW: [CSM] Dozens of porno tapes. JOEL: Cro-o-o-ow.... CROW: But that's part of the "X-Files" canon! JOEL: Really? >agent Scully's cell phone. >You were on her speed-dial. I >am calling you to offer a deal. TOM: [Regis Philbin] Would you like to use one of your lifelines? >I will return you to your >normal size, in exchange for JOEL: [CSM] Your Immortal Soul. TOM: [Mulder] Sounds fair. >something you have in >your possesion." > >Mulder gripped his >phone a little tighter. CROW: Non-stop, white-knuckle excitement! >"What?"    JOEL: Where? TOM: Who? CROW: When? >"All I ask for is the folder >that your informant gave you >at the park today.", CSM said. >"It contains too much about >me to be out in the open." JOEL: Then why not just kill him and take it? CROW: 'Cause that would be too easy. JOEL: Too *lazy* if you ask me..... >Mulder took the crumpled >folder from his pocket >and stared at it thoughfully. > >"Where do we make the >exchange?", he asked the >voice on the other end of >the line. JOEL: [CSM] Oh no, he called my bluff! --------

>Mulder listened for another >minute, then shut his phone >off. Scully looked at her CROW: Watch. TOM: [Scully] Isn't this fanfic OVER yet? >partner with a mix of >nervousness and hope. > >"What did he say?", she asked. JOEL: [Mulder] Another damn telemarketer. >Mulder held up the >folder for all to see. > >"The Smoking man wants TOM: [Mulder] The head of Alfredo Garcia. >this in exchange for returning >us to our normal size.", he said. > >Chip frowned. "That's it?", he said. CROW: [Mulder] Does seem kinda lame, doesn't it? >Mulder looked at the folder with >a comtemplative expression. > >"There's SOMETHING JOEL: About Mary! TOM: [Cameron Diaz] What is that, hair gel? >in here that he wants to >keep buried,", Mulder >mused. "but WHAT?" > >Chip shook his head. JOEL: [makes a rattling sound] >"That's not important right >now. Where did he want us to >to meet him?" CROW: [Mulder] Darn, I shoulda wrote it down! >Mulder looked at Chip >again. "Someplace called >the 'Happy Tom Cat Food >Factory'. He said you'd >know where it w-" > >He broke off CROW: His engagement to Marita Covurrabias. >as Chip reacted >strangely to his words. > >"What?", he asked. >Chip took his fedora off >and ran his hand through >the fur on top of his head. TOM: Apparently, Chip is the spokesman of the Fur Club for Chipmunks. JOEL: [Chip] ...And I'm not just the Fur Club president, I'm also a member. CROW: [Butt-Head] Huh-huh, you said "Member." >He then looked at Mulder. > >"The Happy Tom >Cat Food Factory is TOM: [Dale, interrupting] A place where they make cat food! [Joel bonks Tom on the head.] >where our old enemy >Fat Cat set up his criminal >empire.", Chip said. > >"His casino is on CROW: [Chip] Fire! JOEL: [Monty] I'll get the marshmallows, mate! >the roof." > >Mulder opened the folder >and began to rapidly page >through it. He came across >a picture of TOM: Scully in the buff. CROW: [growling] >an abandoned factory and >took it out. "Is this it?", he >said as he handed it to Chip. >Chip examinied the surveilance >photo and nodded. Dale looked >over his shoulder at the picture. JOEL: [Chip] Do you mind? >"Does anyone else find it >strange that this guy hangs >out around Fat Cat's place?", >Dale asked the group huddled >around the couch. "What >business do they have in common?" TOM: [Dale] And how did I get so articulate all of a sudden? CROW: You know, I don't think Dale has said "Wowie-Zowie" at all during this fic. JOEL: Hey, you're right! >"I don't know about you, >mates, but this is starting >to smell like CROW: [Monty] Teen spirit. >a set up.", Monty warned. > >As the group considered JOEL: Switching to AT&T. >the odd connection between >CSM and Fat Cat, Gadget >wandered back into the living room. TOM: [singing] She's the wanderer, yeah, the wanderer..... >"Has anyone seen my CROW: [Gadget] Slinky red dress? I'm going out with Leviathan later. >sprocket collection?", she >asked, then came to a halt >as she noticed the >tenson in the room. JOEL: So now it's "Das Boot" all of a sudden? BOTS: [Start screaming commands in German] >"What is it, you guys?", she asked. ----------

>After Gadget had been filled CROW: With stuffing, she was basted and put in the oven at 350 degrees for an hour. JOEL: Now that's good eatin'! >in on the CSM's phone >message, Chip began to >pace around the room, TOM: First it was smiling, then it was shrugging, now it's pacing. CROW: [Jimmy Durante] Everybody wants to get into the act! >considering their options >carefully. As Chip continued >his pacing, Monterey JOEL: Awaited his turn to pace. >offered the agents a snack. > >"As long as it's not acorns", >Mulder quipped. > >Monty grinned. TOM: [Pee-Wee Herman] That was so funny I forgot to laugh! >"Well, we got some fruit >slices in th' fridge....or I >could heat up some >of me world famous ch-ch-chHHHHEEEESSSEEEE....." JOEL: Oh no, he's having an episode! CROW: Put a wallet under his tongue! >Monty's eyes glazed over >and his moustache twisted >in knots at the mention of >the sweetest edible substance >known to mousekind. TOM: You know, mice really don't like cheese all that much in real life. CROW: What's your point? >Scully leaned forward on >the couch, an expression >of alarm forming on her face. > >"Oh my god, I JOEL: [Scully] Forgot to add the fabric softener! >think he's having a >seizure!", she exclaimed. > >Dale reached out and put his TOM: Fist through the wall in a fit of rage. >hand on her shoulder. > >"No need to worry, agent Scully. JOEL: [Dale] Watching Monty's fits gives us something to do! TOM: [Gadget] Oooh, he's foaming again! >This happens all the time >with Monty. He'll snap CROW: [Dale] Your neck like a twig if you give him half a chance. >out of it in a second." > >Even as Dale finished >speaking, Monty's JOEL: Violent seizure came to an end. CROW: [Dale] Aw, shoot! >moustache returned to normal, >and his eyes slowly cleared. > >".....flapjacks!", he finished, TOM: Cheese, he ate. CROW: Stories, he told. JOEL: Butts, he kicked. >then gave a start at the expression >on agent Scully's face. > >"What is it, luv?" > >Scully opened her mouth, CROW: Sayyyyyy..... >closed it again, CROW: Rats! >then exclaimed, "What >just happened to you?" > >Monty looked puzzled for a >minute, then let out a chuckle. TOM: Monty finds great amusement in scaring the hell out of overnight guests with his "Fake Seizure" gag. JOEL: No wonder the Rangers don't have much company. >"Oh, I musta had a minor >cheese attack fer a second there!" > >"CHEESE attack?", Scully repeated CROW: [Scully] Oops, sorry, I had Taco Bell for lunch! TOM: [Mulder] Oh man, someone light a match! >uncertainly. > >"Yeah. Ever since I was a lad, >I've had 'em whenever I get >even a whiff of th' stuff. JOEL: Who cut the cheese? CROW: Ha, ha, ha. >Sometimes even hearing the WORD TOM: [Murtaugh] Word, Riggs! CROW: [Riggs] Word, Rog! TOM: [Murtaugh] What's that mean, anyway, "Word"? CROW: [Riggs] It's a word. "W" at the beginning, "OR" in the middle, "D" at the end. TOM: [Murtaugh] Oh yeah, yeah, "Word". >'cheese' is enough to bring >on a small one. When th' desire >gets too strong, I'm off like a >bloomin' rocket.... JOEL: Monty's looking for a quickie with Desire Delure. TOM: Great job, Joel. That last riff just got us slapped with a "TV-14" label. >and woe be to those unlucky >enough to be in me path when I CROW: [Monty] Have too many beers after the big game. >get a 'big' one!" > >"He can sure say that >again!", Dale added. JOEL: [Dale] 2+2=4. TOM: [Gadget] Very good! >"Well....as long as you CROW: [Scully] Stay the hell away from me, I won't have to call the police. >say you're alright...", Scully >replied with a look of wonder >on her face. JOEL: This scene directed by Steven Spielberg. BOTS: [start humming the theme from "Jurassic Park"] >"So", Monterey said with an >air of joviality. "What'll it be?" > >"What'll WHAT be?", Scully repeated. CROW: That chalupa is really starting to kick in. >"Er, you wanted somethin' to eat?" > >Scully blushed slightly. TOM: [Scully] Dopey me. >"Some fruit woud be lovely. >Apple, if you've got it." > >Monty turned to Mulder. JOEL: Then to Chip, then to Gadget, then to Scully.... CROW: [MacReady] It wants to freeze out here. To go to sleep and wait for the rescue team..... >"And you?" > >Mulder considered for a >second, then replied, "Got TOM: [Mulder] Milk? >any sunflower seeds?" > >Monty shrugged. CROW: Arrrrrrgh.... JOEL: Easy..... >"Sorry, mate." > >"Apple then." > >"Be back in two JOEL: [Monty] Days or so. >shakes of a dingo's tail.", Monty >said as he headed for CROW: Shell beach. TOM: Shut up, Crow! CROW: [chuckling] >the kitchen. >Meanwhile, Chip was still >musing on their situation, when >he suddenly came to a halt, >dawning awareness filling his eyes. CROW: [irritated] *Everyone's* eyes have filled with "dawning awareness" in this fic! JOEL: They must all realize that this story sucks. >"How did the Smoking man >know Mulder and Scully were TOM: [Chip] Doing the horizontal hokey-pokey? JOEL: And *that* riff just got us a "TV-MA" rating. >shrunk?", he asked the room. The CROW: Room replied, "Why ask me? I'm just a room!" TOM: Zing! >two agents looked up at him, JOEL: Is Chip really that tall? >as the realization hit them as well. > >"You're right.", Scully said. > >Mulder then moaned. CROW: Leave this one alone, guys, or they'll only be able to show this one on HBO. TOM & JOEL: [murmuring agreement] >Scully turned to him. > >"What is it?", she asked. > >Mulder silently got up from >the couch and began to JOEL: Silently. >walk around the room. >He started to JOEL: Silently. >pull pictures off the wall and JOEL: Silently. >look behind them. > >"Hey!", Chip exclaimed. CROW: [Chip] We haven't dusted behind those! >Suddenly, Mulder stopped >and stared behind the portrait >of Gadget's father Geegaw. JOEL: Do you think that Geegaw had an unhealthy attachment to his toolchest, or something? CROW: [Geegaw] These tools are my FRIENDS! >He reached up to the >wall and ripped off TOM: Kolchak, The Night Stalker. JOEL: Nothing new for "The X-Files". >something imbedded in the >wood. He then turned and held >the object up for all to see. TOM: [Mulder] Oops, sorry, I thought this here light fixture was some sort of high-tech listening device. Boy, is my face red.... >It was an audio receiver of >some kind. faint static >could be heard eminating >from the speaker. CROW: [speaker] Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard.... >Mulder held his finger to his >lips for silence, then brought >the speaker TOM: All the salad and breadsticks it wanted. >close to his mouth. > >"Nice try.", he said into the >receiver, then he dropped the >device to the floor and stomped >down hard on it. There was a >cracking sound, then silence >from the speaker. JOEL: [speaker] Uhhhh, they got me..... >As everyone stared at the >monitoring device, Monty >returned from the TOM: Twilight Zone. >kitchen with a plate heaped >high with apple slices. > >"Here we go!", the Aussie >mouse proclaimed as he CROW: Greedily devoured the contents of the plate himself. >set the plate down on the >living room table. "Plenty for...." > >He trailed off as he noticed >the pictures JOEL: On the living room table. TOM: [Monty] Er, I did those for the money. I was young..... >off their hooks and Mulder >standing over a broken >electronic device on the floor. > >"What is it, you guys?", he asked. CROW: Uh, a broken electronic device? ---------

>As Gadget studied the >impressive monitoring device, >Chip began to outline TOM: His hand on a piece of construction paper. JOEL: [Chip] Look, I can make a turkey! >a plan for the others. As he >came to a finish, Mulder >nodded and slipped TOM: On a banana peel. CROW: Hyuck, now THIS is comedy! >the folder back into >his coat pocket. > >"Dale, get the Ranger Wing >ready.", Chip instructed. "We're >going to need it's speed if this >goes south on us." TOM: [Chip] And get the rest of the plane ready, just in case. JOEL: [stunned] Chip's asking DALE to prepare the Ranger Wing? CROW: There's another shining example of Chip's fine leadership. >"Roger!", Dale exclaimed, and >headed out to the hangar. JOEL: [Peter Graves] Roger, Roger, what's our vector, Victor? >Mulder studied Chip's face. TOM: [Mulder] Anyone ever tell you you look like Alvin? >"I hope you know what >you're doing.", he said >with apprehenshion. > >Chip adjusted his fedora and >smiled uneasily. CROW: His rug was coming loose. >"So do I.", he replied. > >Gadget finally joined the group, >and placed the shattered >remains of the listening >device on the table. TOM: [Gadget] Well, I'm done with it. When's dinner? >"I have to admit, I'm impressed.", >she stated, prodding the device. JOEL: I think it's dead already. >"The workmanship on this is >first-rate." > >As Chip stared at the device, >a bleak thought came to him. CROW: [Chip] Toon Disney is cancelling our reruns! >He looked up at the others >crowded around the table and >cleared his throat for attention. ALL: [make loud hacking sounds] TOM: [Chip] I'm not long for this world! [coughing] >Everyone immediately >turned to him. JOEL: [Windows] Are you going to listen to Garry? He could *be* one of those things! >Chip wrung his hands >nervously, then began. CROW: His tap-dancing routine. >"I don't know how to say this, >Rangers, so I'll just spit it out." ALL: [hocking sounds] >Gadget placed her hand over Chip's. TOM: Hand. >"What is it, Chip?", she asked softly. CROW: [Chip] It's my hand, duh. >Chip looked down TOM: His nose at the other Rangers and laughed at them. >at Gadget's hand holding his, >and felt the strength to say >what needed to be said >surge into him. CROW: [Chip] I'm pregnant. >"If the plan I suggested doesn't >pan out...... I'm afraid we >may have to JOEL: [Chip] Look for gold farther down the trail. >leave Ranger HQ for good". > >There was dead silence around >the table for a few seconds. ALL: [cricket noises] >Then, Monterey Jack spoke up. CROW: [Monty] Bloody good! I was gettin' tired of the 'ol dump anyway! >"Ye can't be serious, lad!", >he sputtered. TOM: [airplane noises] >"This is our bloomin' home!" > >Chip winced at Monty's outburst, >then replied quietly. JOEL: [Chip] You didn't have to *yell*..... >"What else can we do?" > >The room fell silent again as >everyone comtemplated Chip's CROW: Upcoming bundle of joy. >awful news. Then, Dale >wandered back into the living >room, humming tunelessly >under his breath. TOM: [starts humming the theme to "Alvin and the Chipmunks"] >"The Ranger Wing is all set >up!", he said jovially. TOM: [Dale] And the rest of the plane is coming along nicely! >"We can leave any-" > >He stopped as he noticed the >silence of the others. > >"What is it, you guys?", he asked. JOEL: Repetition. The hallmark of all great comedy. >Chip slapped his forehead and >let out an involuntary chuckle. TOM: [Launchpad McQuack] Wow, at the same time? >"I feel like I'm in an episode >of 'Fraiser'", he muttered. JOEL: Except "Fraiser" is funny. TOM: Or at least it used to be. JOEL: Yeah..... ************ >To be continued..... CROW: I'll be holding my breath and counting the minutes. TOM: [Launchpad McQuack] Wow, at the same time? CROW: Knock it off, Servo. [Joel and the 'bots leave the theater.] -------- [Door sequence runs in reverse.] -------- [SoL] [We see the bridge lying empty. Joel enters from screen left holding a cigarette between the fingers of his left hand and another clenched between his teeth. He then notices a pack of cigarettes lying on the floor in front of the console.] JOEL: Hey, my lucky day! [As Joel bends down to retrieve the pack, a net falls from the ceiling and covers him. He lets out a yelp of surprise as Tom and Crow pop up from behind the console. Tom has a pith helmet on his head and is wearing a safari hunting jacket. Crow is wearing a monocle over one eye and a fake moustache.] CROW: [British accent] Capital job, old bean! He fell right into our trap! [Gypsy enters the shot from screen right and helps Tom and Crow secure the struggling Joel.] JOEL: [angrily] Hey, what's the deal? [Crow reaches through the net and grabs the pack of cigarettes. Joel lets out a cry of agony.] CROW: [British accent] We're doing this for your own good, chap. JOEL: [hysterically] B-But I'm all better now! Really! I've got my habit completely under control! [Tom shakes his head sadly.] TOM: Sorry, buddy, but we've got to quarantine you for the remainder of the break period. Trust me, you'll thank us later. [Tom and Crow hitch Joel's net around Gypsy's neck. She lets out a whinny and begins to drag him out of the shot screen right. Joel's loud pleading can be heard long after he is out of the shot.] CROW: [British accent] It's ghastly business, is it not, Servo? The human species is so completely hooked on it's stimulants, it's quite appalling. [As Crow finishes speaking, he brings a cannister of WD-40 motor oil to his mouth and begins to loudly chug it.] TOM: You said a mouthful, "Old Bean". [Crow turns to Tom, his front coated with sticky oil.] CROW: [British accent] I beg your pardon, dear sir? TOM: Uh, nothing, Crow. [Crow shrugs and continues to chug his can of motor oil. Tom turns to face Cambot as the Commercial Sign button begins to flash.] TOM: We'll be right back.